she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there is glitter all over my balls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
