its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
