you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
