The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
