Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
50% drunk capacity currently
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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