we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
