This dress was meant to end up on your floor
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
