When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
