My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
