Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
