I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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