Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
