i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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