so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize