I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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