Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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