I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
