I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
