somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
