The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
