the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
