Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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