she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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