Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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