How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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