1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
