Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
