Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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