Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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