I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
