i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
