I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
