Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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