as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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