Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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