I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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