Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Damn victory sex feels great
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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