Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
