I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
