the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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