I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize