one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
