I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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