Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
