Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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