no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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