its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
