the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Randomize
