All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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