I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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