Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He did a backflip because drugs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
