dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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