I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
