I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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