There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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