Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize