he told me I talked like a deaf person
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
