I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
